Standing here, not doing anything, pretending like nothing has ever happened. Some days I feel okay like I can survive, I push them all off. Some days, like now, I feel weak. I feel helpless because I see myself disintegrating and I no longer have the strength to save me.
No, this is not only because I am now alone. What's breaking me apart are more than words can explain. Everything I once believed in, is slowly being taken away from me. The me I know, the good me, the one used to be described as a 'rare gem'. I'm slowly stripped of my goodness and am turning into nothing more than a mere rock on the ground.
Every moment I'm holding on to this goodness, this humanity in me, this hope, this belief, is a moment I let myself die. Love is a huge part of me. Heartbreaks after heartbreaks I see myself yet believing in love again. But this time I know it will never be the same.
Should I then, take the leap? Jump straight off the edge. Let myself fall, crumble and shatter into pieces.
Let go of all the things I once believed in, let go of the goodness, let go of the love, let go.
Should I then, let the hate sink in, knowing that I'll never be me again, knowing I'll never love another again.
Should I then, for once, be selfish and save myself before one day I can no longer fight these monsters in me and finally lose the will to live?
***
So after typing such a long post I am now at the other end of my mood spectrum, namely..
I don't (want to) give a fuck anymore.
Hah, my thoughts, emotions and moods are so extreme I can't handle them anymore so fuck it.
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