I foresaw it coming, the changes in 2016. But nevertheless, my life now is a wreck. I'd always thought I'd be one to embrace changes.. but I've realised how much it's taking a toll on me and I can't deal.
Losing my flying job.... I've always known that I wouldn't fly for the rest of my life. But honestly the job market has been so bad and it's so demoralising to not get any calls or just a few measly interviews that didn't go anywhere despite actively sending resumes. My self-esteem level has reached a new low (as if it wasn't low to begin with). My savings have also been depleting and I'm kinda in a panic now because I really really need a job soon. I know, it is my own fault really for turning to drinks just to get by and forget this horrid feeling I've been having.
Moving into a new hood.... I am in utmost gratitude towards my sister for giving me shelter even though she has no obligations to. It's not only the location though, getting used to living the the North Eastest of the North East. But also having to deal with missing my mum so so much. It's like being thrown into my future without it really being my future. I know it doesn't make sense but I feel like I'm being forced to grow up at an accelerated speed. I am only supposed to deal with this after I'm married, no? :( But it's okay, I keep telling myself. It is good to be independent. So I try and deal with the missing.
And the biggest wreck that'd hit my life.... to lose my babygirl. It's been almost three weeks since she's left me. I'd been wanting to write a post dedicated to her but I can't bring myself to. I scroll through her pictures and I feel tears welling up. I know I need to move on, and I have accepted her being gone. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. And this, I feel no one can understand. For 13 years she's been my best doggy friend. When I was so alone she'd be there next to me giving me her little kisses. When I was down and depressed she'd be there licking my tears. And now she's gone. And I'd never felt more alone.
I guess that sums up why I can't deal with all these changes. Because every single one of them makes me feel more alone than I have ever been. Without a job I've got nowhere to focus, to push all these negativity away. I feel myself becoming the hermit I was all over again.
On good days I pick myself up, I get out of my room, I find the drive to play Pokemon Go (thank God for that). But on bad days I just wanna coop myself up in the room and not talk to anyone at all. And just sleep all these feelings away.
I have never felt so weak and useless in my life before. I hate that I get so emotional over the littlest things. I hate that I cry when I miss my babygirl. I hate that I get so affected by everything.
I am too emotional for my own good, too oversensitive. Too everything. I try to put myself in people's shoes and try to understand but honestly, sometimes I wonder if anyone will do the same for me.
So again, I'm sorry if I'd seem out of sorts. Because I am, and I am weak.
Tough times don't last tough people do. And I'm mustering every fiber of my being to be tough right now. As hard as it is. Rock bottom is when I climb back up.
I need my life to turn around.
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