I don't know

Christmas wasn't that merry, and I got a feeling New Year wouldn't be happy either.

Have been trying hard to sort my thoughts out, being alone at home on New Year's Eve. ):


I don't know why I'm feeling like that. Read through my archives and remembered how I felt about _. I don't wish to live with regrets but why is everyone telling me it's not right?

I feel that it's right.............. though I have to admit I'm terrified.

I really don't know. I wish things could be easier.. ):

Bad Romance

School, sucks. School sucks school sucks school sucks.

I hate feeling like I did something wrong.

But tell me, what is worse, breaking up when I think it's no longer working, or pretending to still be in love???


SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. K lah, I know my sis keeps talking about karma. I'd expect a huge heartbreak in future, not like my past ones were minor lor.


):

Can't wait for tomorrow, ladies night woohoooooo!

Rah rah ah ah ah ah~


Shitz I'm becoming clubber galz I know but.. cannot take the awkwardness in school ah.

):

Ga ga woo la la

I'm feeling like shite, shite shite.

If this is the right thing to do, why am I feeling so fucked.
I wish I weren't so emotional






I know one day I'm gonna thank my lucky stars for this, but right now I'm feeling beyond sad.

And the scariest part is, there wasn't anything at all.

Guess I was just taken in by those sweet words, as usual.

It's crazy how I can feel like that.

Over someone I barely know.


Ah, fuck it. Clubbing on Wed ONZ?

I really need to stop all this crazy thoughts. ):

/Wrist

I think my friends cannot stand my taste in guys. Especially Val. ):

I know, I can't stand it too.

Ok lah, I think I've finally woken up. After getting scolded by Vallie. ):

Shan't be so stupid anymore!


I'm still sick, still feel like shite. Worse than yesterday.................... Sigh.

Hate the awkwardness in school now.

1 month........ Then I'll be outta Year 2. (:

Ahhh shall stop being such an emo kid.

Crash and Burn

Decided to lock my blog.................... at least for now.

I really is 自找麻烦。越陷越深。

DE JAVU! I just can't get it in my head can I?



Sigh I'm feeling beyond miserable now. Plus flu and headache.

):

It's time to wake up. Fairytales are never the reality.

Thoughts

I wish, for once, I could just not care and follow my heart.

Don't care if it's right, don't care if it's wrong, don't care if I shouldn't, don't care if I should.





Just, don't care.

But can I? Can I? Can I????



PS. It's been a crazy Christmas, hope all of you had a great one.

Sleep deprived

I can't get to sleep.... It's horrible. ): I slept for 3 hours since 6am and now I can't get back to sleep!

It's not that I'm not tired.. I am lor. Zzzzzzzz. Urgh.

It's been crazy what's been running through my mind............

Heart against mind, every night. It's like an endless battle and I feel almost schizophrenic debating inside my head.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

"Don't make secondary school mistakes" as quoted from Vallie.

Okay, lor. But I'm still......... SIGH.



Oh hey, it's Christmas eve. I should be more positive and............ enjoy?

I wonder what it's like to be wasted... Lol as in, how does it feel to be drunk?

Will I be the laughing, crying, talking, or stoning type?

I really wonder.

LOL. Ok I think I should try to sleep soon...... Hopefully I'll succeed. Night (I mean morning?) people!

The weather outside is frightful

Christmas is coming!

I've been cooping myself up at home for the past..... 3 days? Lol. Zai nu much.

Anyway, decided to head out tomorrow for some retail therapy (: Hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep tonight and wake up at a saner timing.


I have no plans for Christmas eve.......... yet! Am praying hard for Eugene not to pak toh. Hahahaha

Oh well... I'm feeling more positive about life now... About time no? (:


Kkthxbai!

A year

Today, is my ah ma's death anniversary.

It's been one year. Time really flies, no?

Deaths...... are always so hard to deal with. No matter how long time passed, the memories always remain. It's like they were never gone..

I remember the last time I saw my ah ma before she was admitted into TTSH was at her home. And I told her, "Ah ma, yao zhao gu zi ji ok?"

I......... miss my ah ma. ): I remember how she always tuck me and my younger cousin to bed whenever I stayed over. How she told us stories about the war, how she lost her siblings..

I remember how she always bring me and my cousin to the playground.. Sit there and chat with the neighbours.

I guess... it was just time for her to rest. Afterall, she had been working so hard for her whole life..

I miss you, Ah ma. ):


***
I'm feeling really down now. :\

My emotions are so messed up, my thoughts running crazy.

I was right. All relationships do is to screw friendships up.

I need to be alone. Need.

Chance

I think my life is a joke.





I've been having a fucking headache since the whole of yesterday and today. Sighhhhhhhhhhh.

***
Decided I should start blogging properly.

St. James on Friday was fun, though I feel so bad to make the boys accompany me home cos I didn't bring my IC and I can't enter without it. ):

It was so crowded, with no space to hide. LOL. Think I prefer Rebel.. Haven't tried Zouk though... VAL! WHEN??

I still feel like laughing when I think of how my "instructor" tried to teach me how to dance. Was hilarious really. Too bad I really can't dance lah! Lol waste his efforts.


Can't wait for Christmas eve, though I don't have any plans................ yet.

Need to enjoy life a bit more, before chionging those shitass projects piling up.

Sighhhhhhhhhhh.


Did I mention my life's a joke? :\

Pieces

是残忍吗？还是...

My head hurts, have been hurting the whole day.

I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes
me real
I’d thought it’d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all
the things that I said

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all
the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to
let you know
That I’m better off on my own

don't make it harder than it already is........ ):

Fallen

Best describes how I'm feeling now.

I woke up and feel like I've lost a part of me.
I guess I did.

I'm sorry for all the hurt... ):

***
I'm broke like crap. Like left with $3 in my account and $3 cash plus I owe Ziya and Val money I lost from MJ yesterday. )))))):

Sucks to be me.

I need a break badly, I want to go on a holiday.....

A beautiful heart

Found this story online and decided to share, to rid my blog of emo posts..


One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley.

A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said, "Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine."

The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces missing.

The people stared. How can he say his heart is more beautiful? they thought. The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed.

"You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears."

"Yes," said the old man, "Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see,every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared."

"Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges - giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands.

The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges.

The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his.

They embraced and walked away side by side.


Nice story, yes?


***
I guess things are fine.. Better than yesterday, at least.

Still, my heart feels heavy and I have yet to get rid of the fatigue in me. Emotionally, physically. Why, I do not know.

When night falls I always feel messed up. When night falls my thoughts emotions tend to run wild.

Sigh. I need a good rest, it has been exhausting today.

Where she belongs

All geared up for my last paper tomorrow. No, actually it's in... 7 hours' time. I hope.

Can't wait for 10am! Liberation.


Sigh. I've been a mess lately, still can't figure out what's wrong and what I want. I'm just becoming a hermit, again. I don't wish to socialise with anyone.

When I cry, I want to be alone.

I'm just so fucking weird and fucked up now.

Not a good time to be. I wish tomorrow will be better. I'll try to make it better.

Is trying enough?



I mask my emotions even to the closest people around me. I hate to show the vulnerable side of me. I, Hate it. It doesn't mean I'm not affected by my emotions, I fucking am, that's why I'm vulnerable in the first place.

Maybe I haven't changed all this while, I, still run. When my thoughts and emotions become too hard to handle, I shut them off, and hide. And run.






AH, I'm just ranting, trying to see if any of the above makes sense. None of it does. It just shows how messed up I am.

I'll try.......... I'll try.

Emotional wreck

I swear I'm gonna die of some brain tumour or cancer or shite like that at the rate those hugeass headaches hit me.

Stressed up with mid sem tests next week, untouched project work, work work, emotions.....

Every fucking thing seems to be crashing, and I have a wonderful nagging headache on top of it all. Like a cherry on top.














Life, sucks. But it goes on.

Promise myself to study for A&P plus a bit of PRM by Friday so that I can go out on Sat.



I really feel that I'm breaking apart. Losing my sanity as each day passes. AHHHHHHHHH.