Nobody

They say with time things will get better, it's a hard one to believe.

So much thoughts, so much to say, so much feelings all mushed up into one being. This is the right thing to do, I keep telling myself. But if it's right why does it feel so wrong.

Love, on its own, never will be enough. I love, you love. But we each have our own definition of love. The things I do and say is out of love for you, might not translate to your feeling loved and vice versa.

In today's society people automatically assume that if you're the one who ask for a break up, you'll be fine and take it with a pinch of salt. And if you're on the receiving end of a break up you're entitled to grieve and be heartbroken all you want.

Nobody ever tells you what it's like to be on the other end. How it's like to feel so guilty, having to hurt someone you love so so much. To feel so helpless and at your wits' end witnessing your relationship crumbling under recurring problems and having zero ideas on how to solve them. To reach the point where you have to tell yourself that there really is nothing else you can do but end things, because if you don't neither of you will be happy.

Nobody ever wants a break up. But if all problems in a relationship have a definite solution, there wouldn't be any heartbreaks would there?

I thought I'd be fine and that having gone through it once it would be easier. But it isn't. It never is. If anything it hurts as much or even more than the first time it happened, because you're forced to accept the fact that despite all the efforts and despite loving each other so much, there are things you can never work out.

I console myself thinking, maybe not now. Maybe in the future. Maybe one day I'll find the solutions I need. Yet at the same time I berate myself for holding on to this hope.

I feel weak, unable, useless. And I'm trying so hard to hold it all together because I tell myself I cannot, cannot let myself be that person I was when it first happened. I can't. I tell myself I'm stronger than this but there are so many moments when I feel anything but. All I wanna do is to curl up in bed and just sleep everything away because every waking moment means putting on a facade and having to say you're fine when you know you're not.

..........Time will heal. This I am forcing myself to believe.